My Majic Family

I remember feeling this right after I watched my mother go home to be with the Lord. They finally convinced me to leave the hospital and Brian and I drove home. I went into my bedroom and layed down. It's almost somthing I cannot even describe. This ache went to the very depth of my being. I actually felt pain. It was as if there was no where for it to go and even settle in my body, it was somehow bottomless. It just went on and on, I couldn't even cry, the ache was so deep. The ache was hopelessness. I feel that ache this morning. Last night my mother was in dreams as real as the day she went home. I was talking to her, I was trying to get to her. I was sobbing uncontrollably and when I woke up this morning I felt pure exhaustion. The ache was back. I haven't felt it in a while and knew I would need to get a hold of it before it got a hold of me. In my quiet time I questioned God again, something I haven't done in about a year. Why, when she loved you so much and served you wholeheartedly, would you let her die? Don't you know I need my mom. I feel like I can't breathe yet somehow this will be therapeutic for me. I may for a moment feel hopelessness but it will not overtake me b/c HE is my Hope. I am not foolish enough to think times like this will cease but I do know He gives me the strength to handle it and to somehow be better for it. I will be be honest though, I need this ache to turn back to hope quickly. So, when you think of me today pray.

Posted by The Mac Fam on Monday, November 06, 2006 at 6:35 AM | Permalink