she is with us always
So, in my last post I talked about change and mentioned how I had suffered a personal loss. Of all the people I know my father has had to deal with more change in the past 18 months than anyone I know. He and my mother were married 32 years. They weren't just married either as anyone who knew them can attest to. They were deeply in love with each other. Now it wasn't always like that, but there was a huge transformation in my dad's life and things changed between them. They were so precious together. She was the apple of his eye. He was her ducky (it's an English term of endearment). They were inseparable. Now, think of how his life is. Everyday coming home to an empty house. No longer the kiss at the door and supper at the table. No more Sunday afternoons in the sunroom with a cup of tea. No one there to tell how his day was. No one there to make it all better when things at the office suck. No more gardening together. And of course the worst thing of all no one at night to snuggle up to. My father has been through so much and yet I watch as he gets up every day and still goes to work. Still volunteers at church and has even become a marriage counselor, something he and my mom were going to do together. Goes to the grocery store, cleans the house, does this laundry, makes the bed, makes his own dinner (well, he pushes start on the microwave but it's a start), spends time with me and my family and even babysits my kids once in a while. He has a moment everyday when he hurts and there will be an entire week here and there where he disappears but he always re-emerges stronger. To this day her closet remains untouched and the door open. Her toothbrush still stands next to her sink as does her necklace stand and keepsake box.
About 3 months ago we started to slowly go through all of her papers and stuff and found journals dating all the way back to 1963! Isn't that incredible? Then just the other day my dad gave me back the CD/tape player that we had used in the hospital for her when she was dying. So, I thought nothing of it and set it on my bedside table. The next day I went to put in a tape and there was one already in there so I pushed play. It was my mother!! She was talking. She was saying confessions over her body for her healing. It was the most wonderful thing to hear. I have to give the tape to my dad but until then I listen to her every night before I go to sleep. I miss my mom.
But through all this rambling what I am trying to say is that she will always be with us b/c we will never forget her and that is what keeps her here. And although I have this deep pain and can't believe that my mother is REALLY gone I simply need to remember something wonderful about her. And man, was she wonderful. Her smile, her laugh, her caring sweet nature. And you know what else? I will see her again and that makes everything worth it.
About 3 months ago we started to slowly go through all of her papers and stuff and found journals dating all the way back to 1963! Isn't that incredible? Then just the other day my dad gave me back the CD/tape player that we had used in the hospital for her when she was dying. So, I thought nothing of it and set it on my bedside table. The next day I went to put in a tape and there was one already in there so I pushed play. It was my mother!! She was talking. She was saying confessions over her body for her healing. It was the most wonderful thing to hear. I have to give the tape to my dad but until then I listen to her every night before I go to sleep. I miss my mom.
But through all this rambling what I am trying to say is that she will always be with us b/c we will never forget her and that is what keeps her here. And although I have this deep pain and can't believe that my mother is REALLY gone I simply need to remember something wonderful about her. And man, was she wonderful. Her smile, her laugh, her caring sweet nature. And you know what else? I will see her again and that makes everything worth it.
